39

Three decades I have walked the Earth.  Almost four.  I have known what it is to be loved by good parents, to be alienated and abused by classmates, to be a failure at scholastic pursuits, to be a success at scholastic pursuits, to find a family apart from heredity, to know love with the joys and pains that brings, to be a father of three wonderful children, and to be a master craftsman at my profession.  I have seen the glory of man, and the failure of man.

When I was a young child, I gave my life to Christ.  I still remember the event, or at least I think I do.  Evergreen Baptist Church.  Vacation Bible School.  Altar call.  I was moved to move, to walk the path, to commit my life to Christ.  I have never had a burning passion for Christ, but I have held him in my heart.  In college I drifted away, as is the tendency.  When I became serious with my now wife, we agreed to walk the road of life together as a Christian family.  I have done this for the last 15 years.

I believe one should put forth the entirety of their intellect towards their worldview.  If that worldview includes evangelism, as it should for most Christians, one should not withdraw from exposure to criticisms of that worldview – for how can one evangelize if they are unfamiliar with the opposition they will face?  I have always enjoyed applying my intellect to apologetics.  For a long time, it was done in a much unstructured way.  When the opportunity would arise, I would engage in it.  But I did not seek it out.  Over the last few years, I have changed that approach.  I have tried to learn the arguments put forth for the Christian God by the more public apologists, and I have tried to learn the arguments put forth against that viewpoint.  I am far from an expert at either side, but I have actively tried to better my knowledge of both.

For a while, I experienced some growth in my faith in Christ from this.  But that did not last.  The more I consumed, the more it seemed that the better arguments were being made by those that were in opposition to the God of the Christian Bible.  The more I learned about human biology, human psychology, the more I came to see the formulaic nature of the Christian religion, at least the flavor of it that I am most exposed to.  I see it more as a method of control than as a pursuit of knowledge.  We seem to believe what we believe and then, after the fact, justify that belief.  I have searched, and have not found a sound, valid argument for belief in the Christian God.

I must be honest to myself, to those I love, and to those who trust me with their time and with their children.  I have come to accept that, in my heart, I am an atheistic agnostic.  This means that I do not believe that the core “truth of the world” is knowable by man (agnostic) and that my worldview does not include a deity (atheistic).  I do not assert that there are no deities, but I find no evidence to support there being any and I approach life from that perspective.

Most of my family and friends, at least outwardly, are Christians.  I have not felt comfortable talking with them about my concerns and doubts.  I have not, and do not, trust that this knowledge of me will not sour those relationships.  This has put me in some situations where I have portrayed myself as something I am not.  I believe in my heart that public knowledge of this part of me will bring pain to my wife.  This dishonesty was done in order to protect her from that pain, in the hope that I would again return to a Christian worldview.  I now accept that is very unlikely.  I cannot justify this behavior as anything other than dishonesty, so I must apologize to those around me who will feel like I have lied to them.  You are right, and I am sorry.  I did so out of fear of persecution and out of a desire to protect those that I love, but I still did so.  I have taken intentional steps to minimize my being in situations where I would be dishonest, but one can only be so successful at that.

Given the level of belief of those around me, I expect that many will want to fix me.  This is natural, and expected, and consistent with the Christian teachings.  I accept that.  Just know that I do not take this view lightly.  Do not assume that I have just not been exposed, and that if I just heard this argument or that, I would see the truth.  You should assume that I have heard it.  That I have weighed the evidence.  That I have found the Christian or Theistic side lacking.  Still, feel free to send me information in a written way, and I will respond in due time.  I am not interested in verbally debating those that I love on theism.  Well, I am interested in it, but I am not able.  I am angry about what I see as having spent a large portion of my life pursuing something I now see as invalid.  This manifests in spiteful ways when I talk about this, and I will at times lash out, which would strain those relationships.  I am open to discussing what I believe, but please, let us save technical debates for the written word.  I do not trust my ability to be fair in a verbal confrontation.

About the children…

Many of my friends and family are Christian.  I respect your authority over your children.  I will not make statements to them that I think you would not want.  I will not lie to them, but I will openly refuse to discuss certain things.  If you still see fit to have me in their lives, I am open to you putting some boundaries on that relationship.